Pulverized

"Do you have any problems?"

"No..."

"Oh, I see, you just come today for relax?" said Michael, the well recommended Taiwanese massage guy that my mom frequently went to for Chinese 'massage'. I put that in quotations for a reason, which you'll soon see.

It started out okay, a few moments of feeling flattened like a pancake in several spots and the standard pokes and prods that you'd expect from a Chinese massage. I found myself face down in a heavily toweled head-hole, and despite the stuffiness I caught myself driftin off to sleep once or twice (couldn't hide those beginnings of snores).

I was rudely awakened though when he began to work on my lower legs. He literally kneaded them like they were MEANT to be silly putty, running his entire arm down my calves and rubbing so damn hard I thought the meat was gonna come off. He then proceeded to use his nailed fingers to find my tendons and apparently try to separate them from my muscles, pinching and scraping and at the same time pressing through my legs.

At this point I thought - maybe I should say something (as this was NOT exactly 'relaxing') - but then, maybe pain is good for the soul, just to be able to appreciate the nonexistence of pain. So, I kept it in, for a good while.

THEN, he turned me over. The tenderizing of my whole body continued, and all the while I imagined I was a prison inmate/terrorist being tortured until I told the truth. I felt like a wiener schnitzel, pounded by a human version of one of those metal studded hammers, ready to be breaded and fried. I eventually made whimpering noises, to which he just responded with a "yes you are sore, velly sore" and continued rippin through my muscles!!!

When it finally ended, I asked my mom whether it was supposed to hurt that much. Apparently it is (!!), and now my blood circulation is supposed to be much better. It better be, because I totally feel like I've been run over by a truck 4x. :P